Relationship
by John Gray
Why we keep misreading each other
Couples who love each other still misread each other all the time. John Gray, a relationship counsellor, argues that men and women differ so much they might as well come from different planets. Most rows start, he says, when we forget that.
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Gray tells a fable. Martians spot Venusians through a telescope, fly over and fall in love. They get on well because they know they're different. Then they move to Earth, wake up with selective amnesia and forget where they came from. That's when the fighting starts.
When a woman talks about a problem, Gray says, a man hears a request for solutions and starts offering fixes. Usually she wants to be heard first. Women make the mirror mistake. They give unasked-for advice on how he could improve, which Gray calls the Home-Improvement Committee.
Gray thinks men are most motivated when they feel needed, and women when they feel cherished. A man who feels his efforts go unnoticed stops trying. A woman who feels taken for granted stops giving. The trouble, he argues, is that each of us gives the love we'd want ourselves.
Gray says women often use big generalisations to share a feeling. A man hears an unfair statement of fact and argues with the word never. Gray offers translations for a whole list of these phrases.
sounds like a question about whether he's able to. is a request, and much easier to say yes to.
Different needs
Gray's claim is that men and women often need different things when they're upset.
The cave
Under stress, many men go quiet in their cave to think. Give them room and they come back.
Talking
Many women feel better by talking a problem through, whether or not it gets fixed.
Advice
Advice nobody asked for can sound like criticism, even when it's meant kindly.
Keeping score
Gray says women count each loving act as one point, big or small, so little things matter.
One thing to try
Gray says women count every loving gesture as one point, however big or small. So this week, try five small things instead of one grand one. Make a cup of tea unasked, send a text at lunch, notice a new haircut. Then see which lands best.
Knotd has the key ideas from 250+ non-fiction books, each in a few minutes, in plain words. Men Are from Mars comes with a Name That Idea round and a Your Move story to make it stick.
Get the whole book on KnotdOpen in the appWhy we keep misreading each other Couples who love each other still misread each other all the time. John Gray, a relationship counsellor, argues that men and women differ so much they might as well come from different planets. Most rows start, he says, when we forget that.
Selective amnesia; Mr. Fix-It meets the Committee; Needed and cherished; Venusian needs translating; Would, not could.
Gray says women count every loving gesture as one point, however big or small. So this week, try five small things instead of one grand one. Make a cup of tea unasked, send a text at lunch, notice a new haircut. Then see which lands best.
Yes. Knotd has the key ideas from Men Are from Mars in a few minutes, in plain words, plus a Name That Idea round and a Your Move story to test them. It's one of 250+ non-fiction books in the app.
