Relationship
by Gary Chapman
Why doesn't my love land?
Gary Chapman spent years counselling married couples. He kept meeting people who sincerely loved their partner and still felt unloved themselves. His explanation is that each of us has a primary love language, and we tend to speak our own instead of our partner's.
Hear a sample · read by Laura
Chapman pictures an emotional love tank inside each of us. When it's full, we feel secure and can face almost anything. When it runs dry, small problems feel huge and people turn critical. Speaking someone's love language is how you fill their tank.
Words of Affirmation are compliments and encouragement. Quality Time is undivided attention. Receiving Gifts means a visible sign you were thought of. Acts of Service are jobs done to lighten the load. Physical Touch is a held hand or a hug. Most people have one that matters most.
Chapman cites the psychologist Dorothy Tennov, whose research put the average life of a romantic obsession at about two years. When the high fades, many couples decide love has died. Chapman says that's when real love, the kind you choose, can begin.
Chapman gives three clues. Notice what your partner complains about most. Notice what they ask for most often. And notice how they show love to others, because we tend to give love the way we'd like to receive it. The same questions will find your own.
If your partner's language isn't yours, Chapman says learn it the way you'd learn a foreign tongue, clumsily at first. Someone who finds compliments awkward can keep a notebook of kind words they read or overhear, then start using them. It gets easier with practice.
Different ways
People feel loved in different ways, and we tend to give love the way we like to get it.
Love tank
Everyone has a love tank. When it runs low, small problems start to feel huge.
After the high
The early in-love high wears off, usually within about two years. Real love starts after it.
The five
Chapman's five: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch.
Finding it
To find someone's language, notice what they complain about and ask for most.
Hot take · true or myth?
Love can be a choice, even on days you don't feel it.
True. Chapman sees real love as an act of the will. You can choose to speak your partner's language when you don't feel loving, and he argues that's what keeps love alive.
One thing to try
That points to their language. Then do one thing in it every day, and see what's changed by Sunday.
Knotd has the key ideas from 250+ non-fiction books, each in a few minutes, in plain words. The 5 Love Languages comes with a Hot Take round and a Your Move story to make it stick.
Get the whole book on KnotdOpen in the appWhy doesn't my love land? Gary Chapman spent years counselling married couples. He kept meeting people who sincerely loved their partner and still felt unloved themselves. His explanation is that each of us has a primary love language, and we tend to speak our own instead of our partner's.
The love tank; Five ways to say it; Falling in love wears off; Find their language; Learn a second language.
That points to their language. Then do one thing in it every day, and see what's changed by Sunday.
Yes. Knotd has the key ideas from The 5 Love Languages in a few minutes, in plain words, plus a Hot Take round and a Your Move story to test them. It's one of 250+ non-fiction books in the app.
