Relationship
by bell hooks
What do we mean by love?
We use the word love for everything from pizza to partners, yet few of us were ever taught what it means. bell hooks argues that this confusion costs us. Without a clear definition, people accept neglect and even cruelty as love, and settle for far less than they deserve.
Hear a sample · read by Laura
hooks takes her definition from the psychiatrist M. Scott Peck. Love is the will to extend yourself to nurture your own or another's spiritual growth. That makes it a choice and an action, which you can practise and get better at, rather than a feeling that simply happens to you.
Many children are hit, shamed or neglected by people who also tell them they're loved. hooks says they grow up believing love and hurt belong together, and look for the same mix as adults. She won't call that love, whatever the people doing it say they feel.
hooks is struck by how normal lying has become, from white lies to double lives. She links it partly to patriarchy, which teaches boys to hide what they feel. Lies keep people apart, and closeness can't grow while they do. Love means being honest, even when it costs you.
hooks warns against waiting for a partner to hand us the love we never learnt to give ourselves. Self-love comes first. She means accepting yourself, taking responsibility for your own life and treating yourself with the care you'd want from anyone else.
hooks wants love in public life too. She argues that a culture built on domination, and on buying things to fill the emptiness, leaves people lonely. Drawing on Martin Luther King Jr., she calls for a love ethic, where care and respect shape our communities as well as our homes.
A verb
Love is something you do every day. A warm feeling on its own doesn't count as love.
Growth
Love means choosing to help someone grow, and that includes yourself.
Childhood
Many of us learned as children that love and hurt go together. That lesson has to be unlearned.
Abuse
Someone who abuses you is not loving you, whatever they tell you.
Honesty
Even small, polite lies keep people at a distance. Real closeness needs the truth.
Hot take · true or myth?
Friendships can teach us as much about love as romance can.
True. hooks argues that our culture puts romantic love above everything. Many people first learn real care from friends and community, and those bonds deserve as much attention as a partner.
One thing to try
Choose someone you say you love. This week, do one concrete thing for their growth, like giving them a free evening for the course they keep putting off. Then do one for yourself. hooks's point is that love shows in what you do far more than in what you say.
Knotd has the key ideas from 250+ non-fiction books, each in a few minutes, in plain words. All About Love: New Visions comes with a Hot Take round to make it stick.
Get the whole book on KnotdOpen in the appWhat do we mean by love? We use the word love for everything from pizza to partners, yet few of us were ever taught what it means. bell hooks argues that this confusion costs us. Without a clear definition, people accept neglect and even cruelty as love, and settle for far less than they deserve.
Love is something you do; Love and abuse can't coexist; Tell the truth; Start with self-love; A love ethic.
Choose someone you say you love. This week, do one concrete thing for their growth, like giving them a free evening for the course they keep putting off. Then do one for yourself. hooks's point is that love shows in what you do far more than in what you say.
Yes. Knotd has the key ideas from All About Love: New Visions in a few minutes, in plain words, plus a Hot Take round to test them. It's one of 250+ non-fiction books in the app.
