Relationship
by Esther Perel
Why do happy people cheat?
Esther Perel is a couples therapist who has sat with many couples after an affair. The usual explanation is that something must have been wrong with the marriage. Perel kept meeting people who loved their partners and strayed anyway. She wanted to understand why.
Hear a sample · read by Laura
Perel sees three elements at the heart of infidelity. Secrecy comes first, and it adds to the charge. Then there's emotional involvement of some kind. And there's what she calls sexual alchemy, an erotic spark that may never lead to sex. A kiss only imagined can feel enormous.
Perel's central idea is that many affairs are less about the other person than about who we get to be with them. Someone who has been dutiful for years finds a freer, more alive version of themselves. The lover is often a way back to that self.
People once married for security and children. Now we expect one partner to be our best friend, lover and confidant. Perel argues this makes an affair more devastating than ever. It breaks trust, and it can also shake our sense of who we are.
When an affair comes out, the hurt partner often wants every detail, like where and how often. Perel calls these detective questions, and says they tend to feed the torment. She steers couples towards investigative ones instead. What did it mean to you? What did you find there?
Happy marriages
Affairs happen in happy marriages too, not only in broken ones.
Big expectations
We now expect one partner to be everything to us, which makes betrayal hurt even more.
Another self
People in affairs are often drawn to the person they become with their lover.
Aliveness
Many people who stray are chasing the feeling of being alive again.
Secrecy
Secrecy is part of the pull. The hidden world feels exciting because it's hidden.
A story from the book
Perel describes Priya, happily married, who had always been the good daughter and the dutiful wife. Her affair was with a man far outside the careful life she had built. Perel came to see it as the adolescence Priya had skipped, a first chance to break the rules.
Hot take · true or myth?
Once there's been an affair, the marriage is finished.
Myth. Many couples stay together, and Perel has seen some build a stronger relationship afterwards. In her view the first marriage is over, and they can build a second one together.
One thing to try
This week, ask your partner when they last felt really alive, and what was going on. Then answer it yourself. Listen without treating their answer as a verdict on you. Perel's hope is that couples can learn the lessons of affairs without living through one.
Knotd has the key ideas from 250+ non-fiction books, each in a few minutes, in plain words. The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity comes with a Hot Take round to make it stick.
Get the whole book on KnotdOpen in the appWhy do happy people cheat? Esther Perel is a couples therapist who has sat with many couples after an affair. The usual explanation is that something must have been wrong with the marriage. Perel kept meeting people who loved their partners and strayed anyway. She wanted to understand why.
What makes it an affair; Looking for another self; Why it hurts so much now; Two kinds of question.
This week, ask your partner when they last felt really alive, and what was going on. Then answer it yourself. Listen without treating their answer as a verdict on you. Perel's hope is that couples can learn the lessons of affairs without living through one.
Yes. Knotd has the key ideas from The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity in a few minutes, in plain words, plus a Hot Take round to test them. It's one of 250+ non-fiction books in the app.
