Relationship
by John Gottman with Nan Silver
Can you see a divorce coming?
John Gottman has spent decades watching couples talk, argue and eat breakfast while measuring their heart rates. He says he can tell, with unnerving accuracy, which marriages will last. The good news in this book is that the couples who make it are doing things anyone can learn.
Hear a sample · read by Laura
Four ways of fighting predict the end. Criticism attacks your partner's character. Contempt, like sneering, sarcasm or eye-rolling, says you're above them. Defensiveness makes you the innocent victim. Stonewalling means shutting down completely. Gottman calls contempt the worst of the four.
Gottman's first three principles are about friendship. Know your partner's world, their worries, hopes and friends, which he calls a love map. Keep fondness and admiration alive. Turn towards each other in small moments instead of away. Couples who are good friends fight better too.
Gottman found that 69 percent of conflicts in marriage are perpetual problems. They come from lasting differences in personality or needs, so they keep coming back. Happy couples don't solve them. They keep talking about them with humour and affection, so they never harden into gridlock.
Gottman's fourth principle is accepting influence. He found that marriages where the husband refused to share power with his wife were far more likely to fail. Taking your partner's view seriously, and sometimes giving way, is a strength in his book.
Four Horsemen
Gottman found four habits that predict divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Admiration
Contempt does the most harm of the four. Keep noticing what you like and admire in your partner.
Love maps
Know your partner's world: their worries, friends and hopes. Gottman calls this a love map.
Bids
When your partner reaches for your attention, turn towards them, even for a moment.
Influence
Let your partner change your mind sometimes. Couples who share power stay happier.
A story from the book
At the University of Washington, Gottman fitted out an apartment where couples spent a weekend while cameras rolled and sensors tracked their bodies. It looked like an ordinary flat. The point was to watch everyday moments, like reading the paper over breakfast, when couples weren't putting on a show.
One thing to try
Each time, turn towards them. Put the phone down, look up and answer. Gottman sees these tiny moments as the basis of romance and a lasting marriage.
Knotd has the key ideas from 250+ non-fiction books, each in a few minutes, in plain words. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work comes with a Spot the Trap case and a Your Move story to make it stick.
Get the whole book on KnotdOpen in the appCan you see a divorce coming? John Gottman has spent decades watching couples talk, argue and eat breakfast while measuring their heart rates. He says he can tell, with unnerving accuracy, which marriages will last. The good news in this book is that the couples who make it are doing things anyone can learn.
The Four Horsemen; Friendship comes first; Most fights never get solved; Let your partner influence you.
Each time, turn towards them. Put the phone down, look up and answer. Gottman sees these tiny moments as the basis of romance and a lasting marriage.
Yes. Knotd has the key ideas from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work in a few minutes, in plain words, plus a Spot the Trap case and a Your Move story to test them. It's one of 250+ non-fiction books in the app.
