Relationship
by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Why are you so tired of everyone?
Nedra Glover Tawwab is a therapist. Many of her clients arrived burnt out, resentful or overwhelmed, usually blaming someone else. Again and again she found the same thing underneath. They'd never said what they needed, or they'd said it and then let it slide.
Hear a sample · read by Laura
Tawwab defines boundaries as the expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. A boundary is about what you'll accept and what you'll do. You can't force anyone to change. You can decide how you respond when they don't.
Tawwab describes three kinds. Porous boundaries are weak or unclear, so you overshare, can't say no and take on other people's problems. Rigid boundaries are walls. You keep everyone out and never ask for help. Healthy boundaries sit in between, firm but flexible enough to let the right things in.
Tawwab lists six. Physical covers your body and space. Sexual covers consent and touch. Intellectual covers your thoughts and ideas. Emotional covers feelings and what you take on. Material covers money and belongings. Time covers how you spend your hours. Most people are firm in some and porous in others.
Tawwab says a boundary has two parts. First you say it, clearly and briefly, without a long apology. Then you act on it. If you've told a friend you'll leave after twenty minutes of waiting, you leave. Without the action, people learn your words don't mean much.
Expect to feel bad at first. Tawwab says guilt after setting a boundary is normal, especially if you've spent years keeping everyone happy. It's the discomfort of doing something new, and it doesn't prove you've done anything wrong. It fades with practice.
What it is
A boundary is you telling people what you need to feel safe and at ease with them.
Warning signs
Resentment and burnout are often signs of a boundary you never set.
Three kinds
Tawwab says boundaries can be porous, rigid or healthy. Healthy sits in the middle.
Follow through
Say your boundary plainly, then back it up with what you do.
Guilt
Feeling guilty after setting a boundary is normal. It fades with practice.
Hot take · true or myth?
Resentment is often a sign that a boundary is missing.
True. Tawwab lists resentment, burnout and avoiding people among the common signs. If you keep feeling put upon, look for the thing you haven't said.
One thing to try
Pick one small thing that drains you, like a colleague's late-night messages. Say it this week, then stick to it the first time it's tested.
Knotd has the key ideas from 250+ non-fiction books, each in a few minutes, in plain words. Set Boundaries, Find Peace comes with a Hot Take round and a Your Move story to make it stick.
Get the whole book on KnotdOpen in the appWhy are you so tired of everyone? Nedra Glover Tawwab is a therapist. Many of her clients arrived burnt out, resentful or overwhelmed, usually blaming someone else. Again and again she found the same thing underneath. They'd never said what they needed, or they'd said it and then let it slide.
What a boundary is; Porous, rigid or healthy; Six kinds of boundary; Say it, then do it; Guilt doesn't mean you're wrong.
Pick one small thing that drains you, like a colleague's late-night messages. Say it this week, then stick to it the first time it's tested.
Yes. Knotd has the key ideas from Set Boundaries, Find Peace in a few minutes, in plain words, plus a Hot Take round and a Your Move story to test them. It's one of 250+ non-fiction books in the app.
