Communication
by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen
Why does feedback sting so much?
We get feedback all day, from bosses, partners, parents and strangers online. Most advice is about how to give it. Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, from the Harvard Negotiation Project, turn it round. The receiver decides what sinks in and what changes, so that's the skill worth learning.
Hear a sample · read by Laura
The authors split feedback into three kinds. Appreciation tells you you're seen and valued. Coaching helps you get better. Evaluation tells you where you stand. Trouble starts when they cross. You wanted thanks and got tips, or you asked for tips and heard a verdict.
Stone and Heen name three triggers. A truth trigger fires when the feedback seems wrong. A relationship trigger fires because of who's saying it. An identity trigger fires when it shakes how you see yourself. All three make you defensive. Name yours and you can choose what to do.
Faced with feedback that seems off, we hunt for the one mistaken bit and throw out the rest. The authors call it wrong spotting. Ask where it's coming from (what did they see?) and where it's going (what should change?). Often they can see what you can't, like your tone.
A relationship trigger quietly changes the subject. Your partner says you're always on your phone, and you reply that they never stop nagging. Now two topics share one track and each of you thinks the other is dodging. Name both topics, then take them one at a time.
People are wired differently for bad news. Some of us swing further and take longer to recover. You can't control the first score someone gives you. But you can give yourself a second score for how you handle it, and that one is entirely yours.
The receiver
The person getting feedback decides what sinks in, so learning to receive it matters most.
Triggers
Feedback trips us up when it seems wrong, when we doubt who's giving it, or when it shakes who we are.
Three kinds
Work out whether it's praise, coaching or a verdict. Mixing them up causes a lot of hurt.
Understand first
Before deciding it's wrong, work out what they actually mean.
Blind spots
Others see how we come across better than we do. Our own tone and face are hidden from us.
One thing to try
Ask for an example. Say thank you. Then wait a day before you decide whether they're right.
Knotd has the key ideas from 250+ non-fiction books, each in a few minutes, in plain words. Thanks for the Feedback comes with a Your Move story to make it stick.
Get the whole book on KnotdOpen in the appWhy does feedback sting so much? We get feedback all day, from bosses, partners, parents and strangers online. Most advice is about how to give it. Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, from the Harvard Negotiation Project, turn it round. The receiver decides what sinks in and what changes, so that's the skill worth learning.
Thanks, tips or a verdict?; The three triggers; Wrong spotting; Switchtracking; Give yourself a second score.
Ask for an example. Say thank you. Then wait a day before you decide whether they're right.
Yes. Knotd has the key ideas from Thanks for the Feedback in a few minutes, in plain words, plus a Your Move story to test them. It's one of 250+ non-fiction books in the app.
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