Communication
by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler
Why we blow the talks that matter
A crucial conversation has three marks. Opinions differ, the stakes are high and emotions run strong. The authors noticed that this is exactly when most of us handle things worst. We clam up, or we come out swinging. This book is about doing neither.
Hear a sample · read by Laura
Everyone walks into a hard talk with their own facts, feelings and theories. The authors picture a pool that the group fills together. The more that goes into it, the better the decision, and the more willingly people act on it, because they helped make it.
Before you speak, ask what you really want for yourself, for the other person and for the relationship. Then ask how you'd behave if you really wanted those things. The question pulls you away from trying to win, or to punish.
We often think there are only two options. Be honest and hurt someone, or keep the peace and say nothing. The authors call that the Fool's Choice. People who handle these talks well look for a third way, where they say what needs saying and keep the relationship.
When people stop feeling safe, they go one of two ways. Silence means masking, avoiding or withdrawing. Violence means controlling, labelling or attacking. Either way the pool stops filling. The fix is to step out of the topic for a moment and make it safe again.
Between what someone did and how you feel sits a story you told yourself about why. The authors call the chain the Path to Action. You see and hear, you tell a story, you feel, then you act. Question the story and the feeling can change.
High stakes
The talks that matter most, with high stakes and strong feelings, are the ones we tend to handle worst.
Shared meaning
Good dialogue fills a shared pool of meaning, where everyone's facts and views can go in.
Start with heart
Start with heart. Ask yourself what you really want from this talk, and keep hold of it.
Silence or violence
Under stress most of us either go quiet or get aggressive. Notice which one you slip into.
Safety
When people turn defensive, they don't feel safe. Show respect and a shared aim, then return to the topic.
One thing to try
Pick a conversation you've been putting off. Open with facts only, what you saw and heard, with no conclusions. That's the start of the book's STATE method.
Knotd has the key ideas from 250+ non-fiction books, each in a few minutes, in plain words. Crucial Conversations comes with a Name That Idea round and a Your Move story to make it stick.
Get the whole book on KnotdOpen in the appWhy we blow the talks that matter A crucial conversation has three marks. Opinions differ, the stakes are high and emotions run strong. The authors noticed that this is exactly when most of us handle things worst. We clam up, or we come out swinging. This book is about doing neither.
Fill the Pool of Shared Meaning; Start with Heart; Refuse the Fool's Choice; Watch for silence and violence; Catch the story you're telling.
Pick a conversation you've been putting off. Open with facts only, what you saw and heard, with no conclusions. That's the start of the book's STATE method.
Yes. Knotd has the key ideas from Crucial Conversations in a few minutes, in plain words, plus a Name That Idea round and a Your Move story to test them. It's one of 250+ non-fiction books in the app.
