Communication
by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen
Three talks hiding in one
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, from the Harvard Negotiation Project, say every difficult conversation is really three at once. We argue about the first and ignore the other two. That's why the same row keeps coming back.
Hear a sample · read by Laura
This is the fight about who's right, who meant what and who's to blame. The authors say it's mostly pointless, because each of you has different information and reads it differently. Instead of arguing, ask why it looks so different from where they stand.
We assume we know what the other person meant, usually the worst. And we assume our own good intentions cancel out any hurt we caused. The authors ask you to pull the two apart. What they meant is one question. How it landed on you is another.
Blame asks who's at fault and looks backwards. Contribution asks what each of you did to get here, so you can change it. Owning your part doesn't let them off theirs. It just makes the problem something you can both work on.
The second conversation is about feelings. Leave them out and they leak in through tone and sarcasm. The third is about identity, what this says about me. Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love? A hard talk can shake any of them.
Open the way a fair mediator would describe the problem, in words you'd both recognise. Then invite them to work it out with you.
Three talks
Every hard talk is really three: what happened, how we feel, and what it says about who we are.
Their story
Swap arguing about who's right for curiosity about how each of you sees it.
Intentions
You know your own intentions but only guess at theirs. Feeling hurt doesn't prove they meant it.
Contribution
Instead of hunting for someone to blame, ask what each of you did to help create the mess.
Feelings
Feelings you leave out of the talk leak into it anyway, so name them.
One thing to try
Take a conversation you've been dodging. Write down what happened from their side as well as yours, what you're feeling, and what it threatens in how you see yourself. Then write one opening line from the third story and use it this week.
Knotd has the key ideas from 250+ non-fiction books, each in a few minutes, in plain words. Difficult Conversations comes with a Your Move story to make it stick.
Get the whole book on KnotdOpen in the appThree talks hiding in one Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, from the Harvard Negotiation Project, say every difficult conversation is really three at once. We argue about the first and ignore the other two. That's why the same row keeps coming back.
The 'What happened?' conversation; Intentions aren't impact; Swap blame for contribution; Feelings and identity; Begin from the third story.
Take a conversation you've been dodging. Write down what happened from their side as well as yours, what you're feeling, and what it threatens in how you see yourself. Then write one opening line from the third story and use it this week.
Yes. Knotd has the key ideas from Difficult Conversations in a few minutes, in plain words, plus a Your Move story to test them. It's one of 250+ non-fiction books in the app.
