Whose story is it?
keeps it on them. Murphy says most of us turn it to ourselves far more than we realise.
Communication
You're Not Listening
by Kate Murphy
When did someone last listen?
Journalist Kate Murphy argues that real listening has become rare. We talk over each other, glance at our phones mid-sentence and plan our reply while the other person is still speaking. She links it to how lonely and unheard so many people feel, even when they're surrounded by others.
Hear a sample · read by Laura
What you'll learn
- Whose story is it?
- The closer, the worse
- Mind the gap
- Let the silence sit
- You can listen and disagree
The key ideas in You're Not Listening
The closer, the worse
We think we understand the people closest to us, so we stop listening to them properly. Researchers call it the closeness-communication bias. Murphy uses it to explain why couples and old friends can misread each other about as often as strangers do, while feeling sure they've understood.
Mind the gap
We can think far faster than anyone can talk. That spare capacity is where the mind wanders, off to our reply or tonight's dinner. Murphy says good listeners use the gap instead, to notice tone, hesitation and what the other person is leaving out.
Let the silence sit
Most of us rush to fill a pause because it feels awkward. Murphy says skilled listeners let silences run. A pause gives the other person room to think, and what comes after it is often the thing they most wanted to say.
You can listen and disagree
Murphy argues that hearing someone out doesn't mean accepting their view. People dig in when they feel ignored and soften when they feel understood. Listening to a relative whose politics you can't stand is how you find out why they think it, and it makes them likelier to hear you.
Lines worth underlining
Next to speak
We're so busy planning what to say next that we barely hear each other.
Close ones
We often listen worst to the people closest to us, because we think we already know them.
Their story
Resist turning the talk back to yourself. Stay with their story a little longer.
Silence
Let a pause sit. People often say the important thing after a silence.
Phones
Put the phone away. Even one lying on the table makes a talk shallower.
One thing to try
Ask one more question
Next time a friend tells you something, hold back your own story. Then leave a pause, and see what comes.
There's more to You're Not Listening
Knotd has the key ideas from 250+ non-fiction books, each in a few minutes, in plain words. You're Not Listening comes with a Your Move story to make it stick.
Get the whole book on KnotdOpen in the appQuestions about You're Not Listening
What is You're Not Listening about?
When did someone last listen? Journalist Kate Murphy argues that real listening has become rare. We talk over each other, glance at our phones mid-sentence and plan our reply while the other person is still speaking. She links it to how lonely and unheard so many people feel, even when they're surrounded by others.
What are the key ideas in You're Not Listening?
Whose story is it?; The closer, the worse; Mind the gap; Let the silence sit; You can listen and disagree.
What's one thing to try from You're Not Listening?
Next time a friend tells you something, hold back your own story. Then leave a pause, and see what comes.
Is You're Not Listening on Knotd?
Yes. Knotd has the key ideas from You're Not Listening in a few minutes, in plain words, plus a Your Move story to test them. It's one of 250+ non-fiction books in the app.
